Final Fantasy VII Without Hojo
by Lunaruu Grey
Summary: Many people don't get that without Hojo, there would either be no game, or the game would be warped beyond recognition. Flame away. Chapter Two Up.
1. Beginning Disc One

Disclaimer: FF7 is property of Square, they are nice because they probably won't sue. However, this story is property of me. But the game which this is based on, and the characters, that's Square all the way.  
  
Author's Note: Why do so many hate Hojo? It's stupid, he was the reason the game exists. So, here we go, FF7, if Hojo never existed! However, had Hojo never existed, the game would be so cracked up you wouldn't be able to tell it from the contents of my neighbor's garbage pail, and so I've taken a few liberties with it, as in, keeping in Sephiroth.  
  
FFVII Without Hojo!  
  
Beginning Disc One  
  
The train whined tiredly on it's tracks, a dying screech arose as it grinded steadily to a halt, the night was black and white with a breathtaking spectacle of the stars resting in their heavenly seats in the sky, and the narrator gave up all hope of narrating this story with any seriousness.  
  
Five people fell out of the train, two men, a man who looked like Mr. T, another man with hair that made him a full foot taller, and a woman, the two men and one woman were not as important as the man who looked like Mr. T and the man with foot-high hair, and therefore do not require a description. They are also not described because the author lost Disc One.  
  
''C'mon,'' Barret said, ''Let's go, Cloud, Jessie, Vicks, Wedge.''  
''I have no spine.'' Cloud said, completely out of nowhere.  
''Erm......what?''  
''I am a failure at everything, yet I must hide my emotions.''  
''Say what?''  
''I suck at life.''  
''Damn, man, you sound like you need some antidepressants.''  
''I used to take these prescription pills, so I had a prescription, but my dog ate it, then spat out half of it, then a car hit it, and I cast Ice on the car, only it sorta bounced off and hit my dog. I miss my dog.''  
''Ha ha, your life sucks, now I ain't giving you cold cash to mope about a ball of fleas, haul ass.''  
''I joined ShinRa, and it was kinda cool, only this guy hit me with a beer keg. It's a long story. ShinRa made me realize I had no spine. So then, this guy named Gast gave me the prescription that caused me to indirectly kill my dog.''  
''Great, now you have a reason to hate it like I do, let's go get vengeance, eh, Cloud, eh?''  
''I suck at life.''  
  
Meanwhile, Jessie was talking to Biggs and Wedge.  
  
''....So.....''  
''Wha?'' replied Biggs.  
''Huh?'' said Wedge.  
''Uhm.....why do we work for Barret?''  
''He asked if I wanted to join AVALANCHE. AKA the A-Team.''  
''He said he pitied me for being a fool.''  
''Oh....ohkay.....Why the Mr. T jokes?''  
''What jokes, Jess?''  
''...''  
''...?''  
''...!''  
''...''  
''...''  
  
After an awkward silence, Jessie said,  
  
''Ya know what? You two guys are really something.''  
''Wha?''  
''Yuh?''  
''...''  
''Yah?''  
''Huh?''  
''...''  
''Nheh?''  
''Zuh?''  
''Nevermind.''  
''Sword?''  
''....Apple?''  
''Shut up.''  
''Pizza?''  
''Axe?''  
''SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!!''  
''Book?''  
''Splort?''  
''Agh.'' Jessie said, ''I hate you wit-deficient half-witted no-wits!''  
''...Wait, so technically we lack enough wit to have suitable wit, yet possess half the required wit to be deemed witty in your eyes, yet we lack any wit whatsoever? You've contradicted yourself twice in a single insult, which though directed at us was nonsensical in nature and not thought out at all, leading me to be questionable towards thoughts expressed by you from this point on, Jessie,'' Wedge said hurriedly.  
  
Jessie blinked. ''W-W-Wha-What!?''  
''....Huh?'' Wedge said blankly, before tripping on a tiny rock and lying motionless for a while as Biggs poked himself in the shoulder while giggling.  
Jessie sighed, before opening a map of Midgar and calling over Barret.  
  
''Barret, there's two ShinRa buildings.''  
''I have no spi--''  
''Shut the hell up, Cloud.''  
''Spineless---''  
''Shut up.''  
''Okay, because I have--''  
''---No spine, we get it. Anyway, what?''  
''There are two ShinRa buildings, one to the left of here, the other is right down this pathway by the side of this train.''  
''Oh. Well, that one's closer, that must be the one!''  
''I doubt that, Barret.''  
''Well, let's just go!''  
''I have no spi--''  
''You too, Cloud.''  
  
Then they rounded up Biggs and Wedge, and Barret talked about how he did not trust Cloud because Cloud had no self-esteem, worked for ShinRa, was an annoying little fart, had no self-esteem, was too mysterious, and had poked him in the ear with a part of his hair when he leaned over on the train trip. Then, they walked over towards the ShinRa building, which loomed ominously in the distance. One the way, Biggs passed a sign that said ''ShinRa Headquarters, 1 Mile Ahead'' and so they walked in the direction the sign was pointing, before arriving at a small supermarket with thousands of cassettes on every shelf.  
  
''Uhm....excuse me,'' Wedge asked the man at the desk, ''Where's Shinra?''  
''Ohhhhh, dude, this is ShinRa, lookee that sign over there!'' Then he pointed to a sign that read 'ShinRa Cassettes and DVDs'.   
''This is craptastic,'' Barret said, ''Jessie, I told you this was the wrong place.''  
''WHAT!? But you--''  
''Hey, man, this is THE place for cassettes!'' the counter-guy said, ''Now buy something. In ten minutes. I'm on my break now.''  
''Well listen up...'' Biggs looked at the man's name tag, ''....'Rude', where's your boss, maybe he's more helpful!''  
''Nah, screw you hosers, go ask Elena, in the back. Or Tseng, but he's kinda asleep, he's the guy in the corner with the spit bubble. And Reno, he's the guy trying to pop the spit bubble with that string.''  
  
Suddenly, an old man stormed in, and kicked at a loadbearing wall angrily.  
  
''You...you lame-ass kids, get the hell off your asses and move! I don't pay you one-thousand five hundred gil below minimun monthly wage to do absolutely nothing, I pay you crap to sell millions worth in tapes, so haul it, you Turks!''  
''Right away, Rufus!'' Tseng said, snapping awake and standing up suddenly, knocking Reno out of his chair into a shelf.  
''That's Mr. ShinRa to you, you punkass lowlife, I'm taking your sleep time out of your pay--''  
''B-But sir, you already pay me nothing---''  
''MOVE!''  
''Yessir!!''  
''And Rude,'' Rufus ShinRa barked, ''Show these guys the door if they aren't buying anything!''  
''Okay, Mr. ShinRa. Get 'em, Guard Scorpion!!''  
  
Then, Rude pulled out a small, pink plastic container and out of it came a small scorpion, which slowly crawled over to Barret and tried to attack his shoe.  
  
''Quick, Cloud, get it before it uses the Tail Laser!'' Biggs said, ''Use Braver! Or Thunder!''  
''...Or do this.'' Barret said, before raising one shoe and crushing the scorpion with one boot.  
''...I could have done that, just slower.'' Cloud said.  
''GUARD SCORPION! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'' Rude screamed, before picking up his pet with a napkin and flushing it down the toilet, ''I swear to the Planet, on it's name, that from today on, me and the Turks will take a sworn vow, a vow of dedicated hatred of all things related to you, and we will systematically hunt you down, failing at every attempt, being small-time villains whose superior intellect is no match for your puny weapons!!''  
''Rude, they're gone.'' Elena said, ''They left while you were at the can.''  
''Goddammit.''  
''Get back to work, you damn hooligans.''  
  
After Rufus left, Elena commented.  
  
''Man, that geezer is such a...a....geezer.''  
''Yeah, who says 'hooligans?'''  
''Yeah, that's as dumb as 'let's mosey.'''  
''Yep.''  
''Ya betcha.''  
''Mmmhmmm.''  
''Sure.''  
''Nice.''  
''Let's all stop talking now.''  
''Nice.''  
  
***  
  
''Damn. Wrong ShinRa place,'' Barret said, ''Wrong ShinRa place. Damn Cloud, all his fault! It's all his fault! I knew we couldn't trust someone in it for the money!''  
''Yep, Barret. And it's all Cloud's fault, not yours.''  
''I do not know if that was sarcasm or not,'' Cloud replied in a monotone voice, ''But I am willing to take that due to a lack of spine.''  
''Dammit, Cloud, if you say that again I'll rip the vertabrae from your skin with a pair of salad tongs and then repeatedly beat you with a toilet lid.''  
''...But if you do that I will have no---''  
''DIE.''  
  
Then Jessie flew through the air and tackled Cloud while beating at his face, doing the only actual fighting she would ever do, beating Cloud up being the full extent of her combat for the entirety of the game. After Wedge peeled Cloud off the floor when the blonde man couldn't get himself off the floor, weighed down by his giant sword which somehow cannot kill small dogs in one hit, and yet still is bigger than the wielder.  
  
After an arduous walk, they arrived at Mako Reactor 6.  
  
***  
  
''Erm....so....''  
''ShinRa Electrical Company, run by a guy named ShinRa. The REAL ShinRa, Barret.'' Jessie said, teeth grinding.  
''ShinRa Electric, sucking the life out of the Planet since....uh...wait, when did they start sucking the life out of the Planet?''  
''Just shut up and toss me an explosive charge. And you, Spineless, get over here.''  
''Okay, for I--''  
''DIE,'' Jessie screamed, and lunged at Cloud again, before Biggs and Wedge pried her off him.  
''...I honestly wan't gonna do the spine thing,'' Cloud said, ''I meant I was out of change. ...I'm doing this out of a lack of money, I don't have gil for laundry, I've been wearing these clothes nine days now.''  
  
At that, everyone slowly stepped away from Cloud.  
  
Uneasily, they wandered thorugh the harmful-radiation-emitting Mako Reactor's maze of high walkways, endless, repetitive and stupid ladders, and doors, before recirving a small materia and setting the explosive charges.   
  
''Hold it!''  
  
It was Tseng, along with Reno, Rude, and Elena.  
  
''Oh crap, you guys,'' Barret said, ''Don't you shill tapes?''  
''We're back for vengeance!'' Rude shouted back, ''And we're on coffee break, we gotta be back in 19 minutes.''  
''Oh.''  
''Oh. ....I have no spine. ...There, I said it.''  
''Well, whatever,'' Rude said, ''Face Tseng's pet, Guard Roach!''  
  
Then Rude reached into Tseng's pocket and threw a roach at Cloud, who started flailing around on the floor before Barret crushed it under his boot, at which point Tseng screamed.  
  
''Dammit, I HATE you people!''  
''We're AVALANCHE,'' Barret said, ''And our secret headquarters can be located at the Seventh Heaven bar. You could probably find the number in your local yelow pages.''  
''Whatever. You'll have to kill all our pets...or dye our hair purple....to stop us!!''  
''Guard Scorpion and Roach?'' Cloud spoke, his voice knocked out of monotone temporarily, ''Is there no...Guard Dog, or Guard....Chicken?''  
''...Chicken?''  
''Well....yeah, man. They hurt, I was eight, and a chicken hit me in the head, so I started crying. It was real big, like a phoenix with a firey glove growing out it's head, and it spat fire at me...''  
''...Uhm...that...WAS....a....phoenix....''  
''That explains much.''   
  
Then, seeing as how there was an explosive a foot away from them, Cloud and Barret ran out of the reactor fighting mechanical things painted bright colors that shoot light, and Cloud freed Jessie, who was trapped under a stone, and they ran across the Midgar streets.  
  
Along the way, Cloud ran into a woman with a basket of flowers. Cloud bought a flower to give to Tifa, because Tifa was scary and could beat him up, even though she had gloves and he had a large sword that could pretty much crush things smaller than a large family-sized automobile. Cloud started running towards the train trying to catch up to the girl who hated his spine, the two dumb guys who he could swear have seen in a movie somewhere about stars, and wars, and Mr. T.  
  
Biggs and Wedge jumped into the train, followed by Barret and Cloud.  
  
Then, they all rode towards the AVALANCHE hideout.  
  
***  
  
Back at the Seventh Heaven bar, Tifa Lockhart stopped talking to her family on the phone and sat in a chair for a long time looking at Marlene, who was playing with a book of matches and some fishing hooks. Deciding Marlene was safe, Tifa waited until Cloud came.  
  
''HIYA CLOUD,'' she loudly said, ''HOW WAS BLOWING UP THINGS?''  
''...I bought you a flower, Tifa--''  
''SUGAR IS GOOD, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH. MARLENE IS PLAYING WITH DANGEROUS THINGS.''  
''...''  
''PLASTIC SURGEONS ARE GREAT, WHEN THEY'RE LICENSED.''  
''...Uh...Marlene, I bought you a flower.'' Then, Cloud gave Marlene the cheap flower bought from the strange woman who was selling them for apparently no real reason, failing ot see that in a large, industrialized city she was walking in the road selling daisies to people who lived in a place utterly without soil. Flowers, which were practically free. And yet availible in an industrialized, mechanized city of steel. Flowers.  
  
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa said, ''WHAT DID YOU AND THE A-TEAM DO?''  
''DAMMIT,'' Barret shouted, ''WE ARE NOT THE A-TEAM! IT'S AVALANCHE!! AV-A-LAN-CHE! NOT THE A-TEAM! I AM NOT MR. T. IT'S JUST THE HAIRCUT. I DO NOT PITY ANY FOOLS, OR RUN AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HELPING TO....Oh wait, yeah I do... Alright, I do that...Alright, and I guess the similarity is....okay....okay...point there, too....damn.... ...And I pity fools.....but.....I hate you all.....''  
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa suddenly screamed out of nowhere after an uncomfortable pause, ''I MADE TENS OF DOLLARS IN THE BAR SERVING WINE TODAY! AND THEN I FOUND SOME MONEY IN THIS RANDOM TREASURE CHEST WHICH WAS THERE FOR NO REASON! IN TERMS OF MONEY, I AM A HUNDREDARE!!''  
''....Which wine, Tifa?'' Barret asked.  
''THE CRAPPY STUFF, FROM ABOUT NINETY YEARS AGO, IT WAS OLD, SO IT WAS ALL ICKY, SO I SOLD THE OLD WINE, AND KEPT THE NEWER WINE, BARRET! YAY!''  
''....''  
''....I need my money, Barret,'' Cloud said, ''I need to do laundry.''  
''Erm, well, when my book deal and my lawsuit comes through, I'll pay you.''  
''No dice, Barret, I smell terrible.''  
''WAIT, CLOUD,'' Tifa interjected, ''YOU OWE ME. DON'T MAKE ME DO THE FLASHBACK THING.''  
''Yeah. And you have no spine. So work for me, dumbass.'' Barret cracked.  
''...Okay,'' replied Cloud, ''But in return, Jessie can't hurt me if I talk about my spine.''  
''Deal. Now go to sleep, we've got another mission. Tifa comes with us, if we can get her to pose in front of Reactor 5, we can distract some guards.''  
''Okay.''  
''PEOPLE PAY ME MONEY TO HOP ON ONE FOOT.''  
''...'' Cloud looked at Barret wordlessly, then began to look at a cobweb in the corner as Barret shifted back and forth uneasily.  
''IT'S GOOD MONEY! I AM A HUNDREDARE! YAAAAAAAY ME!!''  
''You all suck. I hate you all. AVALANCHE needs no idiots, you try and save the damn planet, and they just screw you over again. This is just fine and dandy. Asstacular,'' Barret sighed, ''I wish I had taken that supermarket clerk job instead of mining. I am not Mr. T. That's the title of my book, we don't talk the same, or look too much alike, or drive around in a van helping people with kids in shirts... GET SLEEP.''  
  
End Prologue. 


	2. Booting Up 1

Disclaimer: Though this story belongs to me, it is only a fanfiction, and Final Fantasy 7, and the characters of said game, belong to Squaresoft, who've got bigger fish to fry than me.  
  
Author's Note: This is suprisingly my most successful fic, and I'm honestly suprised I didn't get flames. When ya shoot for something, you get it. In my case, you shoot for something and your luck bites you in the ass. Sorry for the lateness of this chapter, school is a pain in the ass. This story has a lot of Cloud-bashing, most of it unintentional, actually.  
  
FFVII Without Hojo!  
  
Booting Up Disc One, Accessing Memory Card  
  
''...So...'' Cloud started, uneasily, ''...Erm...''  
''Yep,'' responded Biggs.  
''...Yeah,'' replied Jessie. ''Yep.''  
''I AM RIDING WITH THE A-TEAM, YAY,'' Tifa screamed, ''YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!''  
''...''  
''...''  
''...''  
''IT'S NOT THE A-TEAM, DAMMIT! DAMMIT, STOP CALLING IT THAT!'' Barret started shouting, ''IF IT WAS THE @#$%IN' A-TEAM I'D HAVE CALLED IT THAT! THAT'S IT, NO MORE AVALANCHE, I HEREBY CHANGE THE NAME THE ORGANIZATION OF 'WHEN ROCKS FALL FROM HIGH MOUNTAINS!!' ''  
''...And...huh...I have...NO SPINE!!'' Cloud screamed, ''NEVER SAW IT COMING, EH!?''  
  
Wordlessly, Barret leaned forward with one hand on his knee, extended one arm, and whacked Cloud on the back of the head effortlessly with a hollow ka-thunk.  
  
His self-esteem temporarily demolished, Cloud rubbed his head, looked out the window, poked himself in the knees for a while, then got up, and sulked in the corner.  
  
''Yeah. Now, Tifa, and...Cloud, I know you can hear me from the corner, so I'll go on. Uh, Cloud, we all go in and blow the place to hell, Tifa stands there and look nice, we can use her as a decoy. It's all a nice plan, really. I thought it up all night. Actually, I slept all night, and figured it out when I realized it while I was flossing. Funny thing--''  
  
But before he could finish, a loud alarm went off.  
  
As the alarm blared, Cloud, Rifa, Barret, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie jumped out of the train and ran. Finding a tunnel, they pressed onward, almost near the reactor core. Suddenly, a large chunk of subway tunnel fell from above, hitting Cloud in the head, causing him to spasm.  
  
In a flashback, identifiable by the light haze-type quality of the image, Cloud saw Tifa kneeling in front of a fallen body, then picking up an oversized sword and running into a reactor. At first, he was confused. Then, something dawned on him. Then, he forgot it. So he decided to talk about it. But then Barret snapped him out of it before he went into an emotional monologue.  
  
''Yo, Tifa, Cloud, Jessie, other two guys, I set the bomb, let's GO!'' Barret shouted.  
Everyone broke into a steady run, then stopped in their tracks as they saw the hundred gun barrels pointed at them. A stately man walked out of the wall of SOLDIERs, and laughed.  
  
''Ha ha, it's you young people!''  
  
It took a while for Jessie to remember the man's face, before it hit her like a sack of shoehorses and tire irons.  
  
''You, the cassette guy,'' she said, ''Hey, everyone, it's the cassette-shiller!!''  
''That was my old job,'' the man replied, ''It's Rufus ShrinRa, I'm the new owner of ShinRa Electric, formerly..uh....ShinRa Electric. See, this was my building, I used to own this lot. I was going to build a store that sold tie racks, but then I sold it instead, and the deal was he would use my name. You know, for advertising purposes. Then, the jackasses find a cheap, highly-effective power source and build an empire. Well, thank God I sued the hell out of them. Now it's MINE! And in nine years, I can convert this into the biggest cassette and DVD distributor in all of MIDGAR!!''  
''...''  
''...''  
''...''  
''...''  
''...An electric company is worth more than a giant tape-shill conglomerate, you old fart.''  
''Shut up, you hooligan,'' Rufus said, ''I hate you Generation Xers and your newfangled contraptions like wristwatches and iced tea.''  
''Nobody says 'hooligan,' '' Biggs said, ''You fogey.''  
''Yah,'' Wedge casually finished, ''It's as lame as 'let's mosey.' ''  
''Okay, that's it, AIRBUSTER!!'' ShinRa screamed, ''GET 'EM, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!''  
  
The giant metallic contraption did nothing.  
  
''AIRBUSTER! Get them, you giant air conditioner!!''  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
A giggle broke out among the ShinRa SOLDIERs. One of them slowly leaned inwards, and nudged Rufus in the shoulder.   
  
''...Sir? I don't mean to incur your wrath, but use the remote.''  
''...Oh. I knew that. Go away, you punk-rock loving young person!''  
  
Then, Rufus pushed the ON button. Airbuster didn't move. The SOLDIERs giggled once again.   
Raising one eyebrow, Barret stepped forward and handed Rufus two batteries. Swearing loudly, Rufus put in the batteries and pushed the ON button again. The Airbuster shrieked and roared as it's metal parts clashed and grinded against each other, the infernal machine groaning to life, rising, jumping forwards, and flying forwards, before collapsing in a heap of scrap metal on the ground.  
  
''...Man, I hate everyone,'' Barret muttered, ''I mean, normally I hate everyone, but today, I hate everyone, and then some more people on top of that. Like a big hate salad.''  
''Spineless.'' Cloud quickly spat out, before backing away slowly.  
''Man, shut up, Cloud.''  
''Okay. I accept that, for I have...no spine.''  
  
Barret wordlessly extended his arm again, and hit Cloud on the head again, with a loud TH-WHCK! A light giggle rose from the SOLDIERs, who then became silent as ShinRa looked at them menacingly, before looking at Barret and the rest of AVALANCHE again menacingly.  
  
''Hooligans! I'll get you,'' Rufus angrily shouted, showing his anger by shaking his fist at Cloud, ''I have more than one ridiculously-expensive prototype-weapon!''  
  
With that, another shoddily-built Airbuster crashed forward, the sound of it's shoddily-put-together cheap slave-labor parts grinding together sounding like a jackhammer in everyone's ears. Before reaching Tifa, the Airbuster imploded.  
  
''Goddamn, crappily-designed newfangled contraption, I hate this, I remember the old days when things were not machine-made, but they were damn well made, with someone's bare hands, good, sturdy, high-quality things like soup ladles and horseshoes!! Damn hooligans!''  
  
With this, Rufus ShinRa summoned forth another Airbuster, which crashed forward, leaned back, as if ready to strike with the power of ten men, ten angry men on a sugar high wielding instruments of death like battleaxes and planks with nails through them, but then it exploded, taking out the entire platform, sending the organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, formerly Avalanche, into the slums below.  
  
Rufus ShinRa dusted off his hands, then shouted down into the slums below,   
  
''HA HAAAA, I GOT YOU, YOU HOOLIGANS!!''  
  
Floating up from the darkness of the slums came two voices, Tifa's and Jessie's.  
  
''NOBODY SAYS 'HOOLIGANS' ANYMOOOOOORE!!!''  
''YEAH, IT'S AS LAME AS 'LET'S MOSEY!!' ''  
  
From behind him, Rufus noticed a light giggle breaking out among the SOLDIERs.  
  
***  
  
Barret had had it. He was pissed.  
Slowly, he raised his gun arm, and tapped it twice. Nervously, one muscular arm twitching uncertainly, he spinned the machine-gun barrel, and checked the firing mechanism. He would take Cloud down. And he stared into Cloud's calm blue eyes, which seemed to glow as if infused with Mako. Cloud uneasily shifted his sword from one shoulder to the other. One waiting for the other to strike, both men ready to capitalize on any mistake, any slip-up, and punish the other for it. Punish the other one horribly, crush the soul of the loser. It was a showdown of grand, almost epic proportions. One would leave the victor, the other stay, a broken man, paralyzed, maybe, from horror, shock, possibly incomprehension, since both of the two locked in their duel could do nothing more than underestimate the other.  
  
'AGOROPHOBIA' was a long word. Was it triple word score? No, or was it? Hm....  
  
Carefully, Cloud leaned forward, and turned the 'A' into 'Antidisestablishmentarianism.'  
  
Angrily, his eyes flashing with rage, Barret overturned the Scrabble board, his heart aflame with raging fury and blind hatred at a game that had played him, HIM, the leader of the Organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, and punched Cloud in the face.  
  
''Owwwwie!!'' Cloud said, falling backwards off his milk crate, Scrabble letters flying haphazardly everywhere. They had been in the slums for an hour, inside of a building that smelled vaguely of cough drops and rotting pizza.  
  
Slowly, Barret got off his soapbox, which prompted a joke about him getting off his soapbox from Wedge, who got hit by the aforementioned soapbox when Barret threw it at his head.  
  
''Alright, you morons,'' Barret said, ''Let's go. I hate this crappy place. I swear, it smells like a deathhole, the bugs are crawling through the fabric of my clothes, and....and...my arm really, really itches! Let's leave! LEAVE! LEAVE!! LEAVE, DAMMIT!!''  
''Okay.''  
''Okay.''  
''Okay.''  
''Okay. NO SPINE!''  
''OKAY BARRET.''  
''And another thing,'' Barret said, ''I know I talk a lot, and I know sometimes i can ramble on with my stories, but all my stories are damn good ones, with morals, family values, life lessons, and they make you feel warm inside, you know, all that Disney shi--''  
''LIKE WHAT?'' Tifa asked.  
''Like my story about my cat. Once, I had a cat. And I loved it very much. But then, it started to urinate all over my house, so I had to give it away and force it's curse of urination on the couch to be wrought on someone else.''  
''...Moral is what?'' Wedge questioned, leading Barret to freeze suddenly.  
''Erm...moral is, cats are tempermental but relatively clean pets?''  
''...'' Nobody spoke.  
''What does this have to do with anything?'' Cloud asked.  
''I just...like talking...'' Barret said.  
  
Wordlessly, one by one everyone left the shack until it was only Cloud and Barret remaining inside. Slowly, Barret walked outside, and Cloud stood around looking depressed before following.  
  
***  
  
It wasn't until they were outside that Jessie, Wedge, Biggs, Tifa and Cloud and Barret realized the building they had been in had been a church. Or, more accurately, ''The Church of Satanism and Jenova's Witnesses Local Chapter 242.'' Slightly unnerved, Cloud walked forward into a woman in a pink dress selling flowers for cheap.  
  
''Huh...Hey, I've seen you before,'' he said, ''I bought the stuff in your basket.''  
''What stuff in my basket?'' The woman asked, ''The flowers or the wrapped-up little cheeses?''  
''...First one.''  
''Hiya! Gee whiz, isn't it just a splendid day now?''  
''Huh.''  
''Yep, I know, everything is just so fabulous.''  
''Yeeeaaaarg...'' Cloud quickly glanced at Barret, realizing he had inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there was no escape, and now he was in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil who was trying to sell him daisies. Barret shrugged, then grinned as if to say 'Ha ha, Scrabble boy, now who is the king of Scrabble? Technically still you, but now you have inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there is no escape and now you are in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil trying to sell you daisies, I am sure as hell conveying much words into a single gesture, I feel faint, goddamn I'm gonna pass out, jeez, my knee hurts, I have an itch on my back I can't scratch, maybe I should buy one of those hats that hold the beer cans, I am an impulse buyer--' and it was at that point that Cloud turned away from Barret and slowly nodded his head at the flower girl, who was speaking rapidfire as if she had crashed out of Speed Racer.  
  
''....So, you'll do it, yay!'' The flower girl finished.  
Confused, wondering if he had just agreed to something, Cloud asked if he had agreed to something. After finding out the flower girl was named Aeris and he had indeeed agreed to be her bodyguard, Cloud, armed with this new and terrifying knowledge that he had agreeed to be the bodyguard for some woman he had never known, and was now venturing anywhere this complete stranger took him, slowly and methodically considered his two options of doing it, or running away kicking and screaming. It took a second for him to realize that, having no spine, he would probably have agreed to do it anyway.  
  
Cloud walked over to Barret.  
  
''Uhhh, Barret, I'm gonna have to be bodyguard for this woman now.''  
''That so? Okay.''  
''...Okay?''  
''Okay.''  
''...Okay?''  
''The hell is wrong with you?''  
''...Okay? I mean, just 'okay?' ''  
''OKAY, YES, OKAY, DO YOU NOT HEAR ME?''  
''...Okay.''  
''Okay.''  
''...Okay?''  
''I should hit you.''  
  
Then, without hitting Cloud, Barret, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge and Tifa slowly walked away, and then, Reno and Rude of the Turks emerged from an alley, pointed at Aeris, pointed at Cloud, at Aeris again, at each other, at Aeris again, at Cloud again, at a bird, then, after taking a photograph of the bird, they began to chase Aeris. Cloud followed her, and after going through a winding, twisting maze of buildings, lost them.  
  
And then, Cloud realized they were exactly where they had been before.  
  
''...Uh...huh...'' Cloud said, dazed, feeling moronic, ''Yeaaaarg...''  
''Oopsie, I'm so sorry, Clod--''  
''Cloud.''  
''Cloud--''  
''No spine.''  
''Well, Cloud, I'm sorry I led you back here, see, I have a map, drawn on this napkin, but I had to blow my nose, you see. And then I had to 'wing it' as you people say, and I started walking, and then when we stopped off at that place--''  
''Yeah.''  
''Yes, well, I needed some limes and a turkey baster, so--''  
''Huh.''  
''Yes! But now I know exactly where to go. Somewhat.''  
  
With this, Aeris jumped over a few rooftops, and suddenly Cloud was in front of a house. Contemplating the crappy layout of the slums, and how agaonizingly painful it must be if to get home you have to roof-hop, Cloud walked inside the house with Aeris to find an older woman in a chair. Aeris went upstairs, and Cloud unknowingly struck up another conversation, this time with the other woman.  
  
''Huh.''  
''Yesss, it is a lovely home, is it not?''  
''Huh?''  
''I know, simply spendid decorating, the last owners got bubonic plague in here, so we got it with all the stuff still inside! Bargain city!!''  
''....Huh.''   
''And I bought these curtains cheap, it took one wash to get the bloodstains off!''  
''Huhhhh...'' Cloud stopped touching the curtains, and stepped backwards, closer to the door.  
  
From upstairs, Aeris said ''Cloud, tomorrow I'll show you Sector Seven, okay!?''  
  
Cloud inched closer to the door.   
  
''My name's Elmyra, I'm Aeris' adoptive mother,'' the old woman said, ''She's a nice girl.''  
''Huhhh...She lives with her mother...''  
''Nice girl, that Aeris, you're her new boyfriend, right?''  
''No. I'm a bodyguard. But not like the one in the crappy movie with the same name.''  
''Well, you can stay here the night, sleep on this couch!''  
''Thank...you...''  
''We got it cheap, since the previous owner's cat had bladder problems.''  
  
With a scream of ''DAMN YOU BARRET WALLACE'' Cloud jumped off the couch.  
  
The next morning, after a fitful night of sleeping on the floor between a bookcase(''Previous owner was crushed under it'') and a stereo system(''Previous owner went deaf and blind after a napalm attack''), Cloud woke up, and tried to leave stealthily through the front door, ready to try and use as much whiskey as it would take to flush the previous night out of his mind. But then, Aeris was waiting right outside the door.  
  
''Hiya, Cloud, my my, don't you look rested and happy this morning!''  
  
Cloud, barely dragging himself along, with bags under his eyes and a pale, sour look to his face, right eye twitching from a lack of sleep, slowly nodded his head up and down.  
  
''Well, Cloud, let's GO! I promised to take you on a tour of Sector Seven, right?''  
  
Slowly, Cloud dragged after Aeris, and after walking nine blocks, they stopped to rest at a playground.  
  
Cloud looked to the left, and saw a mirage.  
  
Actually, he saw Tifa riding a chocobo.  
  
He screamed, ''PLEASE, OH GOD, TIFA, GET ME OUT OF HERE, I'M STUCK WITH THIS WOMAN, AND SHE--'' but before he managed to finish, she rode away.   
  
''...Hm...did you see that woman just now?'' Cloud asked Aeris.  
''Yes I did! It looks like she was going to Don Corneo's mansion.''  
''What is that?''  
''A WHOREHOUSE!!''  
''EEEEEEK!!!!''  
''I dislike that Corneo fella very much. If you want to get in, you have to be a woman.''  
''I have a problem, then...'' Cloud said, ''Because the last time I checked I wasn't one.''  
''We can dress you up like one, just wear the dress, wig, sexy cologne---''  
''Hey, ever wonder why cologne is spelt like that? Like bologna, it's spelt like that but pronounced way different. I mean, it's just, sometimes a word looks weird-''  
''You're a nice person, Cloud!''  
''But you didn't let me finish--''  
''Niiiiice!!''  
''...I have no spine.''  
  
Saving.  
System Shut Down 


End file.
